Bourdain Inspires… Vegan Blog?
Anthony Bourdain once called vegans the “Hezbollah-like splinter faction” of vegetarians. The vegan response generally mimicked what the more extremist elements of Pakistani society did after the whole Muhammad cartoon controversy.
But lo and behold — at least one vegan understands how to express her anger where it counts: in the kitchen. Thus, we have Hezbollah Tofu.
Last month, a North Carolina blogger named Sara (who self-identifies as a B-12 enema addict) decided to take Bourdain’s criticism of vegans’ bland, gas-inducing food and veganize the French classics Bourdain lovingly churned out for years from his perch in the Les Halles kitchen. In an open (and no doubt unopened) letter to Bourdain, Sara writes:
Because, Anthony, you’re kind of tragically wrong about us. But don’t worry, we’re not going to do something silly like picket the Travel Channel or go around bookstores drawing giant penises on your book covers with Sharpies. We have two key advantages over you in this game: we’re easily mobilized, and we can cook.
So we aren’t just going to “enjoy” food, we’re going to enjoy vastly improved, veganized versions of your masturbatory, blood-oozing recipes. And then we’re going to compile them, sell them in zine form, and donate the proceeds to vegan outreach organizations and farm sanctuaries–in your name. Anthony, I have to say, I’m really looking forward to the great work we’re going to do together for veganism.
This is an open call to vegan cooks of all stripes: professional chefs and bakers, cookbook authors, food bloggers, amateur cooks, and–perhaps most importantly–ordinary, everyday people who just want to live their lives and eat their dinners without unnecessary heckling from the heroin-addled peanut gallery.
This blog will serve as a meeting ground of sorts. Send in your veganized recipes, your ideas for veganized recipes, your photos of veganized recipes, and your thoughts in general to hezbollahtofu@gmail.com, and they will comprise the blog content and eventually the zine. In addition, I will periodically post Bourdain recipes in their original format, and you can veganize them as you see fit. Further, once the Hezbollah Tofu project reaches its zenith, the non-profits that receive the proceeds will be decided on by consensus.
I can’t wait to be part of the “consensus”. My vote? Send the donations to the Culinary Institute of America. Or the Artisan Farmers Alliance.
Mom and food writer Nancy Rommelmann reconsiders her tolerance for her daughter’s vegan boyfriend’s crappy palate here.
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