This Week in Bacon
Mmm Mmm Mmmvelopes. The geniuses over at J&D’s (makers of bacon salt) have brought us the newest bacon-flavored goodness: bacon-flavored envelopes, aka mmmvelopes. It’s practical and delicious – great for people who love bacon, and hate licking envelopes (in other words, 93% of the meat-eating population). Here’s what the mmmvelope creators had to say:
Technology has given us a lot lately. The car. TV. X-rays. The refrigerator. The Internet. Heck, we even cured polio. But what have our envelopes tasted like for the last 4,000 years? Armpit, that’s what.
Really, people? If we can’t overcome this kind of minor technical challenge, it’s only a matter of time until some super-advanced race of aliens with lasers, spaceships and a delicious federal mail system comes down and colonizes the world. And nobody wants that (except for the aliens, of course).
So, after thousands of years and kajillions of horrible tasting envelopes licked, we’re happy to report that J&D’s Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes™ are here to save the day. No longer will envelopes taste like the underside of your car. You can enjoy the taste of delicious bacon instead.
That’s right, bacon. It’s not real bacon, mind you, so you won’t have to start storing your envelopes in the refrigerator. But it really does taste like bacon. Which is what you really wanted in the first place, isn’t it?
And it only took us 4,000 years to get there. Eat that, alien invaders.
Well, after all that, I just have one question. Who uses envelopes anymore?
